God Notions

Matthew 6   …And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors… 

I have struggled with a family member, who has hurt me multiple times. My trust would be broken repeatedly until there was, and still is no trust at all. It seemed almost a sport to degrade me: if we were alone it was for my own good; in front of others the degrading was good for a laugh. I learned to laugh at myself even though I didn’t understand the “joke”. A hatred was building slowly inside of me.

 Through the years, lots of prayers and a growing understanding of forgiveness, I forgave this person. What I really did was hand the wrongs committed against me in the past, and those that continue to this day, over to God. I asked God to let me see this person as He does and I was surprised to find He filled my heart with compassion for this person. I was set free from the anger and hurt. I was able to move forward in peace until I would have to spend time with this person again.

 Their behavior had not changed, but mine had. I could tell this and the normal circumstances of life, caused them to rethink or maybe feel guilt about their past behavior, I don’t know. But when we would be alone, they would bring up the past in the disguise of concern, or placing blame on them having lost their mind, but never an apology. Never offering an opening for reconciliation, I would have happily walked through that door, but I was not going to be the one to extend the offer. I had given this whole relationship to God, I had forgiven this person, I had peace. They were the one to have to do the work: to recognize and acknowledge the broken relationship. I knew they wanted to apologize but for some reason they could not, would not. My husband would encourage me to offer that bridge toward reconciliation and forgiveness even though it had not been specifically asked for, but so desperately sought after. But, I would refuse. I had given it to God. I had forgiven, I had peace.

 I did have peace and I had forgiven. Regardless, God kept pricking at my heart and just this week He warmed and softened it to obedience. I had lunch with this person and as usual, they began digging in “old garbage”. I told this person, “we were good”. I know, I didn’t say,” I forgive you.” they didn’t ask me for forgiveness and I would have offended them, but they did say, “Thank you.”

 I didn’t understand really until writing this post…

 Matthew 6:12   And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.       …as we also have… 

When Jesus forgives me, it is complete forgiveness. He restores our relationship. How can I say I forgive and not allow the relationship to be restored? What would it be if He forgave me but would not restore our relationship? The thought is unbearable. First, I am the sinner, the second to be sinned against?  

Jesus,

Thank you. From the very depths of my soul, Thank you.

Help me to love and forgive as I want to be loved and forgiven, how I am loved and forgiven.