Where Are You?
Psalm 13
How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
Waiting is hard. Sometimes waiting is downright painful, heart-wrenching, aggravating and heart hardening. The silence while waiting is deafening and compounds the pain.
I had been dealing with a hardship for over a year and I felt like my time spent with Jesus was void. One afternoon as I was driving, windows down and the sun shining, I began talking to Jesus…out loud. I said, “Lord, I love you with all my heart. I want to have a deep relationship with you, I want to listen to you, I believe you hear me. I read my bible but I am stuck! Where are you? I hesitated and thought: He knows my heart, he knows my thoughts, be honest and transparent. Tell Jesus how I really feel. I continued, “Jesus, I am mad at you! You say you want a relationship with me, but it is hard to have a relationship with someone you cannot see, or hear, or touch. I am doing what I know how, but where are you in this relationship! It feels very one-sided to me and I am mad about it! You are not being fair!”
I waited…nothing but more silence. Dead silence.
Two weeks later I was invited to go to a bible study. It was a college-level study with homework. “It will be hard.” I was told, “it requires commitment every day.” I didn’t know if I could handle such a study but I was desperate to grow nearer to my Lord. I accepted and a month later when the first class met I was overwhelmed. There were all these students with their bibles sectioned into the different books; they had three-ring binders filled with paper, pens, and high lighters. I brought my bible and a half used notepad. How was I even going to get through this day? I sat in the very back trying to hide. Who am I kidding? My heart raced and I wanted to cry, my high hopes for a closer walk with Christ had turned to, “please let me get through this moment so I can go home.” Then the lecturer began to speak. She covered what the expectations were for the class, handed out a syllabus, and walked back up front. I had my head down reading and getting more overwhelmed when she said something that went straight to my heart and I knew it was Jesus talking to me. She said, “If you read the scripture every day and do your homework, He will speak to you in ways you have never experienced and your relationship with Jesus will grow beyond what you have ever experienced.”
I was overwhelmed but with joy this time. I was going to be okay. He heard me and answered me in the appropriateness of His time, not mine.
I have learned that Jesus hears us always. He will never leave us nor forsake us. I have learned that we can trust his timing and in the silence there is growth. Growth in the knowledge that he is trustworthy and capable, he is gentle and kind and not thrown off by our sharing our anger, fear, frustrations or doubts. He loves us and wants us. He wants us to walk with him and he promises to walk in this world with us.
I have learned silence does not mean absent.
Psalm 13:5-6
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.
